This week, my goal was to track times where Jeferson and I
sought out opportunities to turn toward one another, or missed opportunities
for bids for attention. I have to say, that this experiment really took me by surprise.
I feel like there are a lot of times where in our marriage, I turn away from
him. Obviously, in a marriage, this is a really bad quality to have.
I was raised a very independent person. So sometimes turning
toward someone else for help is really hard for me, even after 4 years of
marriage.
A couple things that I learned while doing this project is
that my husband is a lot more responsive to my needs when I tell him exactly
how I am feeling, and what I need. He is not the type of person to play games
or drop hints. If I want something, I have to just be upfront and honest with
him. A lot of times, this is really hard for me, because I either get
embarrassed to tell him what I want/need, or I am too prideful. Neither quality
will help me in this journey of marriage.
Dr. Gottman said something that I found really influential.
He said:
“As you work through these activities… you’ll
become more adept at turning toward each other regularly, and the bond with
your spouse will deepen. This more profound friendship will be a powerful shield
against conflict. It may not forestall every argument, but it can prevent your
differences of opinion from over whelming your relationship.”
This is something that I found to be true. We were able to
do an activity together called the Stress-Reducing Conversation. The point of
this activity is to talk with your spouse about things that do not involve your
marriage. This means to talk about your interests, goals, or an actual
conversation about your day. Sometimes, we get so caught up in our day to day
lives that we forget to actually have conversations with our spouses. We found
this activity to be really helpful! We didn’t talk about things that bothered
us. We sat down and just talked. It reminded me of when we were dating and we
didn’t have anything negative to say about each other. I truly believe in what
Dr. Gottman said. I know that as we do these things that he suggests and we continuously
try to turn toward each other instead of pushing each other away, then we will
have a deeper friendship with each other. Not only will we be better friends,
but our arguments will not bother us as much. Like Gottman says, our arguments
won’t completely disappear, but those little things that used to bug us, will
no longer overwhelm our relationship.
I challenge each of you to turn toward your spouse. If you aren’t
married, then do your best to turn toward your parents, or roommate. I know
that as we do these things we will be better friends and have greater relationships
with the people in our lives.
