Week 13 - Creating an ETERNAL Marriage

I am in the stage of life where I am married with no children. My husband and I are working toward creating a family, but it hasn’t happened yet. In “Till Debt Do Us Part” by Bernard Poduska, he talks about the different life cycle challenges that we go through.

Poduska talks about how the transition from being single to be married is sometimes difficult. I can definitely agree with this, as this is sort of the stage that I am in. When Jeferson and I got married it was sometimes difficult to include him on things that I used to do by myself.

Poduska said, “During this transition we realize that we must replace much of the autonomy we experience as a single person with a sense of togetherness. Togetherness does not mean becoming inseparable, nor does it mean losing all personal identity. It does mean that both individuals must commit themselves to thoughtful consideration of the consequences of their actions on their partners.”

I have met quite a few couples who are in the same stage of life as I am, and I feel like a lot of couples think that because they are supposed to include each other and have that ‘togetherness’, they have to be with each other all the time. This isn’t necessarily true. Do we want to include our spouse in our lives? Of course we do, but that doesn’t mean that we have to be together all the time. Like Poduska said, we don’t want to lose all of our personal identity because we feel like we need to be together all the time.

Marriage is not an easy thing. It’s hard, and it takes a lot of work. Both partners need to be continually progressing together.

Poduska said something else that really hit me. He said.

“Love ‘cannot be expected to last forever unless it is continually fed with portions of love, the manifestation of esteem and admiration, the expressions of gratitude, and the consideration of unselfishness.’”

I love this. If we want healthy relationships, and marriages that last, then we need to do our best to keep that love alive. This means that we need to make sacrifices, and compromise, and sometimes do things that we don’t want to do in order to make our spouse happy. This also means that we never give up on each other despite the flaws that our spouse may have. We all have them and we need to work together as a couple to overcome them. If we continuously do these thing OUT OF LOVE then our marriages will flourish, and that’s all anyone wants. Right?

Week 12 - Be United in Your Parenting

I feel like I learned a lot from Rick Miller and his address on power in relationships in “Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families”. He mentioned a couple important things that I really liked. The first thing that I really liked was that parents have to be united in their relationships. This is so incredibly important. I know a lot of couples who are not united in their leadership.

Do me a favor, and think back to when you were a kid. Was there a certain parent that you would go to in order to get the answer that you wanted? Was there a parent that you knew would always say, yes? Did you ever go to that specific parent so that you could do whatever it was that you wanted? I know for myself, I always knew which parent I needed to talk to for certain things in order to get what I wanted. Because my parents were not always unified in their leadership, their children (which included me) could take advantage of them. I’m not proud of it, but it happened!

Miller said, “If parents disagree on parenting issues, they should discuss the issues in an ‘executive session’ without the children present.” 

I think this is important because you don’t want your children to see the “weaker” parent and know who they can manipulate to get what they want. If there is an issue brought to you and your spouse’s attention, talk about it together behind closed doors. I think a lot of parents think that if they disagree about something then everything falls apart, when in reality it happens to everyone. We just need to know how to proceed when we disagree about anything. Talking behind closed doors about these issues will ensure that you are on a united front and no matter who your child goes to, they will get the same answer.

Another thing that Miller talked about was how each marriage should be a partnership. When you get married you are partners, there is no dictator. I have met a lot of couples where the relationship is not equal. I think a lot of what makes a relationship equal, is trust. There are a lot of things going around now days that causes distrust in couples. When we get married, we need to give our spouse all the trust that we have. It can be hard sometimes especially because it makes you vulnerable, but once you give yourself to your partner like that, your relationship gets so much better. 

I want to challenge all parents to have those ‘executive sessions’ with your spouse and make sure that you are always on a united front. The relationship that you have with both your spouse and your children will improve.

  

Week 11 - Intimacy in Marriage

Wow! This week’s reading really made me think a lot! Brother Brent Barlow, in “They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy on Marriage” said something that I’ve always thought about. He said,

“…if they would frankly discuss the delicate and sanctifying aspects of harmonious sex life which are involved in marriage…much sorrow, heartbreak, and tragedy could be avoided.”

One thing that really frustrated me before I got married was how sex wasn’t talked about at all. Growing up, I was always taught that sex was bad, bad, bad. If you had sex, then you are sinning and you would have to repent. Obviously I knew that this was only if you had sex outside marriage, but no one ever talked about how sex is a beautiful and sacred thing inside a marriage, so when I got married that was the only mindset that I had.

I think that for a lot of LDS couples it is hard for them to embrace their sexuality because sex was always such a taboo subject growing up. I think that if parents were more open about it (you don’t have to be crude) then children would be educated and they wouldn’t have to go searching for that information somewhere else.

When I first got married, it was really hard for me to be intimate with my husband because I had this mindset that sex was a bad thing. I know that if we teach our children about sex and are open and honest with them, then they will feel more comfortable with it and they won’t have to go find answers somewhere else, i.e.: pornography.

Pornography destroys families. It is a false and evil view on what sex should be. To protect myself and my husband from the effects of pornography, we are very open about anything involving intimacy. We both heard a talk in church one day and they were talking about pornography and how the best way to keep your spouse from doing it is to just be upfront and honest and just ask they if they look at it. So, this is what we do. We ask each other every couple weeks when the last time we looked at it was. The answer is always that we haven’t looked at it, but I love that it keeps both of us accountable and we don’t have to worry about either of us slipping. We have also found that if we are honest with each other about things regarding intimacy then our marriage is a lot better. Sex in marriage is a great thing, and should be viewed as such.

Another thing that I feel like is hard for a lot of couples is using sex as an expression of love within your marriage. A lot of couples’ view sex as a way to procreate, which is a great use for it, however, sex and intimacy in a marriage is much more than that. Brother Barlow also said,

       

          

“While creating children is an integral and beautiful aspect of marital intimacy, to use it only for that purpose is to deny its great potential as an expression of love, commitment, and unity.”

I have heard so many times that if your marriage is struggling and you are constantly fighting, look at how your intimacy is. Brother Barlow said,

“…the inability of married couples to intimately relate to each other is one of the major causes of divorce.”

 If you are not intimate in your marriage, then your marriage is likely going to fail. I know, for me personally, intimacy makes me feel so much closer to my husband; we fight less, we argue less, and we are overall kinder to each other. When we engage in physical intimacy in our marriages then we will be happier and our marriages will flourish.