Week 10 - Fondness and Admiration

     I learned a few important things from the reading this week. I like what Gottman had to say about “gridlocking”. I had never heard this term before this reading, however, I learned that my husband and I are really good at it (should I admit that?). Both of us are strong-willed, hard-headed people, and that causes a lot of issues sometimes. The term “gridlocking” is when partners cannot find a way to accommodate perpetual disagreements. Sometimes we get so caught up in what we want that we I think sometimes we forget that we have to worry about what each other wants.

Gottman said:

“If either of you is feeling a lot of hurt over seemingly minor slights, you may want to spend some extra time on strengthening your fondness and admiration and practice turning toward each other. Not acknowledging and talking out these small moments can make a relationship more vulnerable to gridlock over significant issues.”

     I love that he said that if I am feeling hurt, then I need to think about what I can do strengthen my admiration toward my husband. I think a lot of times when we get hurt in our relationships, we want to blame the other person and make them do the work to make things right. I have definitely noticed that in my marriage, as I take the initiative to make things better and try to strengthen my admiration toward my husband, things are a lot better. I think it helps each of us realize what we love about our spouse, and then we get over those hurt feelings. One thing that helps me is to think about how I felt about him on our wedding day. That was the happiest that I have ever been. When I think about how I felt toward my husband on our wedding day that fondness and admiration comes back.

Goddard said something that I feel really goes along with this. He said:

“Of course we can divorce the disappointing spouse and marry someone different – someone who doesn’t irritate us in the way our spouse does. And we may be happy…for a time. However, every relationship comes with irresolvable differences.”

     Marriage is hard, but no matter who we are married too, we are going to have our own set of challenges and struggles. If we focus on our spouse’s good qualities and try every day to strengthen that fondness and admiration toward one another then we will be able to get through any challenge, together! That is the true beauty of marriage. Working together toward mutual goals, no matter how hard it may be.

I love my husband and I am so excited to continue this crazy journey of life with him. I love that we can be nerdy together, and I strive every day to keep that admiration alive because that is what is going to get us through the hard times.