Week 5 – The Four Horsemen

      This week I had the opportunity to read a couple chapters from Dr. John M. Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. I was able to learn so much from him. One of the things that I read about this week is what he calls the “Four Horsemen”, he characterizes these as points of negativity in your marriage that can lead to its demise. When any of us get married, we want it to last forever, right? However, there are certain things that every person has in their marriage that is part of these horsemen, though it is the way we react to this negativity that will determine whether your marriage will last or whether it will lead to divorce.

Horseman 1: Criticism- “Global way to express negative feelings or opinions about another’s character or personality.” Gottman explains that in every marriage there will be disagreements and you will have complaints about your spouse. There are times where you will want to let them know that what they are doing isn’t ok, however there is a difference between complaining about a certain thing, and criticizing them as a person. Once you cross that line, you will hurt your spouse.

Horseman 2: Contempt- “A sense of superiority over one’s partner. It is a form of disrespect.” A lot of times this happens when in an argument with your spouse and they say something that you feel isn’t true and so you laugh at them, or sneer, or mock. These things are considered contempt because you are demeaning your spouse to make yourself look better.

Horseman 3: Defensiveness- “A way of blaming your partner… in all its guises will escalate the conflict, which is why it is so deadly.” Gottman explains that one of the most common form of defensiveness is what he calls “playing the innocent victim”. This is where you whine and and act like you, yourself, have done nothing wrong and everything is your partners fault.

Horseman 4: Stonewalling- “In marriages where discussions begin with harsh start-up, where criticism and contempt lead to defensiveness and vice versa, eventually one partner tunes out.” This happens a lot when your partner says something that you don’t want to hear. You shut them out and you ignore them. It also happens when you want to avoid a fight, however it’s an unhealthy way.

     After thinking about these things this past week I realize that I, myself, am guilty of a couple of them. I know that when I get upset and my husband says something that I don’t want to hear, I tend to shut him out and ignore him. This is so unhealthy, especially since the problem will still be there once you start talking again. I know that as I continue to listen to the things that Gottman has to say then my marriage will be the best that it can be.