Week 6 - Strengthening Your Love Map

I really loved this week’s lesson. I had the opportunity to get to know my sweet husband better and show him how much he means to me. In Dr. Gottman’s book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, he talks about what we can do to strengthen our marriages one day at a time. I had the great opportunity to test 2 activities on Jeferson, and the experience was amazing.

The first activity I did was something he called “I Appreciate…”. Basically what I had to do was find 5 things to tell Jeferson that I appreciated about him or what he did for me. Now, I wasn’t very certain that this activity would do much because Jeff isn’t the type of guy that needs to be told how much he is appreciated. Words of Affirmation is not his love language and so I didn’t really believe that anything would happen. However, I didn’t realize what it would do for me. He got shy when I would list out a bunch of things that I appreciated about him, but more than anything it was an opportunity for me to see how much he really does for our family.

The second activity I did was called, “Cherish Your Partner”. This activity was probably my favorite because it made me feel like I did and was doing something right in my life. With this activity I had the opportunity to list out the qualities that I loved about Jeferson and read them to him. I also got the chance to look over the lists of qualities that I wanted in a husband that I had made many years ago while in Young Women’s. It was comforting to me to see that the qualities that I wanted in a husband are the qualities that I now have in a husband.

Gottman said something in his book that really stuck with me and that is,

“From knowledge springs not only love but the fortitude to weather marital storms. Couples who have details love maps of each other’s world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict.”

I know that as I strengthen my relationship with my husband and get to know him better and better each day then we will be able to get through anything in our life together. I am so grateful for him in my life and I want to strive each day to do those things that will strengthen our relationship, not tear it down. I challenge anyone who is reading to get to know the people in your life better; whether it is a spouse, a parent, a friend, or a roommate. Get to know them. I know that the more we do this the better out relationships will be with those around us.

Week 5 – The Four Horsemen

      This week I had the opportunity to read a couple chapters from Dr. John M. Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. I was able to learn so much from him. One of the things that I read about this week is what he calls the “Four Horsemen”, he characterizes these as points of negativity in your marriage that can lead to its demise. When any of us get married, we want it to last forever, right? However, there are certain things that every person has in their marriage that is part of these horsemen, though it is the way we react to this negativity that will determine whether your marriage will last or whether it will lead to divorce.

Horseman 1: Criticism- “Global way to express negative feelings or opinions about another’s character or personality.” Gottman explains that in every marriage there will be disagreements and you will have complaints about your spouse. There are times where you will want to let them know that what they are doing isn’t ok, however there is a difference between complaining about a certain thing, and criticizing them as a person. Once you cross that line, you will hurt your spouse.

Horseman 2: Contempt- “A sense of superiority over one’s partner. It is a form of disrespect.” A lot of times this happens when in an argument with your spouse and they say something that you feel isn’t true and so you laugh at them, or sneer, or mock. These things are considered contempt because you are demeaning your spouse to make yourself look better.

Horseman 3: Defensiveness- “A way of blaming your partner… in all its guises will escalate the conflict, which is why it is so deadly.” Gottman explains that one of the most common form of defensiveness is what he calls “playing the innocent victim”. This is where you whine and and act like you, yourself, have done nothing wrong and everything is your partners fault.

Horseman 4: Stonewalling- “In marriages where discussions begin with harsh start-up, where criticism and contempt lead to defensiveness and vice versa, eventually one partner tunes out.” This happens a lot when your partner says something that you don’t want to hear. You shut them out and you ignore them. It also happens when you want to avoid a fight, however it’s an unhealthy way.

     After thinking about these things this past week I realize that I, myself, am guilty of a couple of them. I know that when I get upset and my husband says something that I don’t want to hear, I tend to shut him out and ignore him. This is so unhealthy, especially since the problem will still be there once you start talking again. I know that as I continue to listen to the things that Gottman has to say then my marriage will be the best that it can be.

Week 4 - Mastering the Genogram

     This week was quite great actually. I was able to learn a little bit more about my family and the relationships that we all have with one another. The hardest thing for me was trying to list everyone out. I come from a very large family and so it wasn’t easy remembering how many siblings my father had and how many children each of them had. However, it made me want to try harder in my family relationships as I did this project. As I looked at this project and I saw what kind of relationships each of my family members had with their own family, it made me want to try harder and be the best that I can be. I’m not always perfect, but I will try my best to speak with kind words and develop strong and healthy family bonds with one another.

     In the reading we learn from Elder Benson how important it is to teach our families about the temple. We especially need to teach our children the importance of going to the temple in their youth and teaching them good habits now so that when they get older, they will be more encouraged to marry in the temple as well. As I did the genogram project, I was struck by how many members of my family did not want to get married in the temple. For me, growing up, it was always the option for getting married. I didn’t want any other type of wedding or marriage. I just wanted to marry my prince charming in the temple and call it good. A lot of my family doesn’t think the same things.

     

     I know that as we attend the temple now and teach our children the importance of the temple that we will be immensely blessed. Heavenly Father will take care of us and make sure that we have all that we need to be successful.

Week 3 - Defending Marriage

President Nelson, when talking about defending marriage, said:

“As partners, you and your spouse will work together to achieve mutual goals and enjoy the fruits of your labors.”

 I love this. When you get married one of the hardest things to do is to learn to be a team instead of 1 individual. When my husband and I got married that was really hard for me. I grew up as an independent person. I like being by myself and doing things by myself. It wasn’t until my husband sat me down and talked to me about wanting to be able to help me with little things did I realize that I wasn’t including him as much as I should. Now, that’s not to say that I have to let him do everything for me, but it does mean that I need to let him in a little more than I was at the time.

After my husband and I got married we talked about some of our individual goals that we had for ourselves. After we talked about our individual goals we talked about what we could do to help each other attain those goals. One of my husband’s goals was to graduate with his Bachelor’s and to get his Master’s degree as fast as he could. Now he is finishing up his Master’s degree and will graduate next April. I love that we were able to work together to accomplish our individual goals. One of the most important discussions though was goals that we wanted to make together for our families. We talked, and still do, about those goals.

President Nelson also said:

“True partners can achieve more than the sum of each acting alone. With true partners, one plus one is much more than two”.

I absolutely love this, as it has always been my hope and dream that my husband and I become “true partners”. Growing up neither my husband nor I had very good examples of a healthy marriage. My husband’s parents are in the middle of a pretty nasty divorce, and my parents fight all the time. One of the things that we wanted was to make sure that even though we may disagree with things, we want to always work together for our family’s sake. I want my children to know that their mom and dad are true partners.

I know that as my husband and I work together to accomplish our goals and put each other first in our marriage then we will be true partners. I know that together we can accomplish more than we could being separate. I’m so grateful for President Nelson and his inspiring words to make me a better wife and mother.

Lastly, I want to conclude with my most favorite quote from President Nelson's talk that really hit me. He said:

“Instead of concentrating on what you are to do, now is the time to zero in on who you are to be—on that person you are yet to become, as President Worthen explained so well. Now is the time for you to focus on developing great attributes of character.”

I want to challenge all who read this blog post to look inward and see the person you are becoming. Are you happy with that person? Are you the person that you have always wanted to be? If the answer is “no” then you need to see what changes need to be made in your life so that you can be the person that you always wanted to be. If you are married work with your spouse to create goals for your family and work together as husband and wife to accomplish those goals. If you are not married work on some goals that you have for yourself and look for someone who shares those goals. I know that as we do these things then our marriages will be full of love and happiness. I truly believe that this is what our Heavenly Father wants for us!